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DeShawn

To friends of DeShawn,

Hello all. You may are may not remember DeShawn. He is the interloper toe that lives on my left foot. DeShawn first revealed himself to me about 4 years ago by way of excruciating pain. For a year my podiatrist tried to appease DeShawn. First we took the nail off my toe, and finally we gave DeShawn a lobotomy (they cut the toe open and used a dremel to shave bone spurs off the toe). DeShawn got quiet for a while after this, but he also started gaining a lot of weight. He ate a lot of fried chicken and gizzards and really swelled up. DeShawn (being the 4th toe, living next to Pete (the small toe) soon grew to nearly double his size.

About two months ago DeShawn started acting up again. Ever since his lobotomy he has been on welfare and foodstamps, and basically he is a complete freeloader. DeShawn got so big that it actually started to become painful to put on my shoes. Since my shoes only have seats for 5 toes, I couldn't buy DeShawn an extra seat.

So I went back to my podiatrist and found he had retired. I suppose the glory of pacifying DeShawn 3 years ago was the triumph of his career and he felt he had gone as far as he could. Little did he know DeShawn was merely biding his time. My new podiatrist and i agreed that the best course of action was to skip all the basic stuff and jump right to an MRI. That was nearly a week ago. Today I went in to get the results and found that DeShawn is an impostor. He isn't a toe at all. DeShawn is an extremely rare tumor known as a glomus tumor. They are so rare that the doctor took lots of pictures of DeShawn, which of course led him to believe he was famous. While typically delusional, DeShawn might actually get his wish. DeShawn was found guilty in a court of toes today and I, as the judge, have sentanced him to a beheading.

I am going to have a surgery to amputate around half of my toe. DeShawn will then be sent for photographs and biopsies. My doctor plans to write up the procedure and publish it as even her text books do not have pictures of this rare tumor. While DeShawn won't live to see his fame, he will get to adorn medical books full of gross feet pictures for all of eternity.

The surgery itself is not scheduled yet, although it will be very soon. The idea is to give my foot as much time as possible to heal between now and our vacation on June 17th. We considered taking DeShawn on vacation with us for one last goodbye and having the execution (surgery) afterwards, although I figured I'd be limping either way, and I'd rather not have to pay for his tickets. He already hasn't paid my foot rent for the past 4 years, so I don't think he deserves any further handouts.

There may be funeral services held for DeShawn although they have not been planned yet.

-Anthony

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